Celeb Best Blog

Image Google/LIFE

OK the Operating Team's ready, however the following Disclaimer should be read before we proceed:

Nothing you presently have in your house could look as bad as this, so if scenes of graphic renovating upset you, look away now! The Hedge will not be responsible for any adverse reactions experienced by either current or future Hedgies on viewing this post including the sight of MOTH's exposed upper thighs via a pair of torn & tatty work shorts.

• Just a tiny 1.7m. wide x 3.1m long & with a bizarre sloping ceiling (so 1972!), we will have to use all of our skills & creativity to help this Main Bathroom patient. However, Dr. MOTH's done it before with similar cases, so the nursing staff trust him. He's talking lowered ceiling, bulkheads, heated floor, cantilevered bench, frameless double shower, loads of storage, concealed cistern & best of all abundant natural LIGHT, which is something this patient's never experienced! And all between running his business (oops, practice) & working 60 hrs. a week on other people's patients!

• The other surgical challenge is the high-set window covered externally by a very odd & quite bizarre grid of bricks which let a sliver of light in on alternate Tuesdays at 10.23 a.m. Dr. MOTH will attempt to remove both the bricks & the window to see what's going on underneath & attempt immediate illumination of the patient. See pre-operative view below.

Dr. MOTH begins the lengthy 'operation'. NB. He's using his unique 'totally septic' technique of no scrubs, gloves or mask. The Royal Australasian College of Surgeons does not endorse this method, but Dr. MOTH has always considered himself a bit of a rogue operator!

Where's the Theatre Technician, we'll need better lights than these couple of dodgy old fluoro's.

OK, on proceeding I can see the problem Nurse Millie, but there's a lot of nasty stuff to remove first, prepare the shovel & barrow please.

Oh dear Nurse Millie, this is worse than when we first saw the patient 3 years ago at the Open House Clinic. I'll need to perform far more in-depth surgery, prepare the heavy-duty instruments immediately.

I still need more light Nurse Millie, I'll have to take radical action & remove the window stat! The patient's also losing a lot of dust, turn up the extractor fans quickly!

Aaah, that's better Dr. MOTH! Now, would you like me to place the patient on bypass so that you can begin to use the jack-hammer on its floor? Oh & did you want me to get a pathology report on that big white enamel thing you've just excised? The patient was complaining that it hasn't been functioning since 1985.

No need to send a specimen to the Lab. Nurse Millie, it looks pretty innocent, so it can be disposed of immediately via Nurse Suzie who wants it to wash her dogs in! And yes, that jack-hammer's done the trick, but this patient really requires further major surgery, you'd better inform Drs. Plumber & Electrician to remain on stand-by.

Drs. Plumber & Electrician are aware Dr. MOTH, they've postponed all their other operating lists to assist you with this patient.

OK Nurse Millie, tell the Drs. we'll be a while still, I've checked the films again & I think I'll need to drop this patient's ceiling before we proceed with the cosmetic reconstructive work. You can also stand-down Dr. Tiler, I'll be attempting the work myself. You'd also better let ICU know to prepare to receive this critically-ill patient & that assisted-ventilation has been commenced. Once they're stabilized, I'll place them on my next operating list for a Stage 2 ceiling procedure.

And yes Nurse Millie, I know that external renovations haven't been commenced yet, although you should be grateful that the boys (oops, Registrars!) & I removed that terrible self-sown palm tree shown in the pre-operative images. Please ensure the Medicare paperwork for their Assistant's fee of a slab of Coopers Pale Ale each is submitted today. I'll get to that horrid green paint as soon as I can, but do remember it's non-urgent & so has been placed on my elective list. And yes, I also know you can see the open excision high up on the exterior wall, but I'll be very careful when I close the patient to ensure it looks perfect. I don't want to have to front up to the next Morbidity & Mortality Review of which you currently chair for a Please Explain!

Post-Operative note:

Dr. MOTH & Nurse Millie will be sharing the tiny un-renovated En-Suite bathroom for the foreseeable future. As this will well & truly test their relationship, wish them the best of luck!

LATE NOTE: As all 6'6''/110kg. of MOTH was having a shower in the above teeny-tiny En-Suite this morning, I heard an huge crash followed by an almighty yell. Rushing in I found him standing naked in the shower alcove surrounded by most of the tiles from one entire wall in pieces at his feet. Looking somewhat sheepish, he told me that he'd noticed one of the tiles seemed a bit wonky & on further inspection as he lathered up, he attempted to straighten the offending tile, but in the process set off a chain reaction similiar to those record-breaking falling domino extravaganzas! If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny. Hand me the brandy bottle quickly.